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20 Reasons We Should Just Let the "Planet of the Apes" Apes Take Over the Bay Area
Adam L. Brinklow | Photo: Courtesy 20th Century Fox | July 11, 2014
"I, for one, welcome our new simian overlords."
In Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, opening today, apocalypse-ravaged humans in San Francisco and super-intelligent apes in Marin vie for control of the Bay Area (much as the Giants and A's have been doing this week). Though we should be rooting for our biological home team over those damn, dirty apes, a little part of us wonders if we shouldn't turn over the whole show to Andy Serkis and Roddy McDowell. Consider the many local advantages of an ape-run society:
1. Mayor Koko's proposed tax breaks for companies disrupting the banana space are well-received even by the city's radical fringe gibbons.
2. When an activist ape throws feces at a Google Bus, the Googlers inside don't have to take it quite so personally.
3. Governor Bobo's design for a replacement eastern span of the Bay Bridge—a two-mile stretch of monkey bars—is cheaper, more reliable, and at least as structurally sound as the Brown Bridge.
4. Oakland A's owner Lew Wolff finds the prospect of negotiating with a pack of armed, homicidal chimpanzees far more attractive than working with Jean Quan.
5. Affordable housing is a lot easier to come by when all you need is a cave and/or stand of trees.
6. Minimum-wage earning spider monkeys fine with working for 15 peanuts an hour.
7. City Attorney Bonzo reinstates MonkeyParking app, because obviously.
8. Bonobos are perfectly comfortable with public nudity, and—if anything—consider the Folsom crowd prudish.
9. Next time Rick Perry gives a speech about how being gay is like being an alcoholic, angry orangutans will tear him limb from limb.
10. Gorillas love Chubbies. Ask anyone.
11. Mandrill section of Dolo Park clearly the coolest place to hang.
12. Apes can just climb over Danielle Steel's hedge anyway.
13. Snooty one-percenter baboons on Lombard Street fine with tourist traffic, provided we get our stinking paws off their begonias.
14. Chimp developer's ingeniously simple "OOH OOH AH AH!" app attracts $100 million in investment capital.
15. Police Chief Sprinkles neutralized Berkeley's out-of-control ground squirrel population. Mostly by eating them.
16. Organic, artisanal banana market is primed to take off.
17. The marmoset replacing Michael Bauer at the Chronicle already gave Mission Chinese Food's dumpsters four stars, calling them a sumptuous medley of flavor.
18. Surprisingly, Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone is fine with ape-on-ape marriage.
19. Average chimpanzee slightly less likely to urinate in public than most Bay to Breakers runners.
20. Ultra-steamy gibbon mating calls set to crank next season of Looking up to eleven.