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The Top 50 Reasons Why Godzilla Came to Destroy San Francisco

For a radioactive monster, he's surprisingly up on current events. 

1. Found out that Ryan Gosling and Jared Leto are here and figured this is where all the hot man-monster action is. 

2. He's not "destroying" the city, he's "disrupting" it. That's what disrupters do, they disrupt.

3. Came to jailbreak old friend Leland Yee.

4. @MarinaGirlSays never called him back after he paid for her chardonnay at Balboa Cafe.

5. Speculator landlords paid him off. Giant monster attacks get rid of tenants way easier than the Ellis Act.

6. It's not actually Godzilla. Just a Japanese man in a rubber suit here to run Bay to Breakers.

7. Really sick of the Chronicle writing about the flawed Bay Bridge span. He gets it. It's flawed. It's also boring. Stop putting it on A1.

8. He's concerned about height limits on new development and taking it out in a very direct way.

9. Mad that he couldn't get funding for his startup, kaiju.ly. It's like Grindr, but for giant radioactive beasts.

10. We're not saying we can tie this to Benghazi, you know, literally. But still.

11. Still outraged that Scott Wiener made him put on a pair of pants.

12. Arrived early for Pride. He plans to marry Mothra in a grand same-sex sea monster marriage.

13. Vinod Khosla blocked his favorite surf spot and he's gonna make that asshole pay.

14. @KarlTheFog didn't retweet him.

15. Still steamed they named the bridge after Willie Brown.

16. Shrimp Boy sent him.

17. We don't know exactly how this is Ron Conway's fault, but it is.

18. Hates Danielle Steele's hedge. The rest is collateral damage.

19. Hates Tom Perkins too.

20. Came to kiss George Lucas's ass and got carried away.

21. Summoned by Art Agnos, who finally came up with a plan to get a clear view of the waterfront.

22. Ex-Warriors coach Mark Jackson sent him. He's out for Joe Lacob's blood.

23. He can't stand Four Barrel.

24. Trying to lure Batkid out of hiding.

25. Have you seen the line at the Chairman Bao food truck? Jesus, we'd destroy this city too.

26. A bot stole his reservation at State Bird Provisions.

27. Part of a dastardly plot by Marc Benioff to destroy the city and then rename it Salesforcecisco.

28. He's tired of $4 toast. Wants to eliminate them at the source.

29. Rose Pak reneged on promise he could lead the New Year's parade.

30. If we just had a dedicated monster-transit lane on Polk Street, this wouldn't have happened.

31. Psssh. Godzilla is so mainstream. There are some really indie monsters destroying Oakland right now that are hella hyphy. You've probably never even heard of King Ghidorah. He's mad ratchet, yo.

32. @SFCitizen was trolling on about something and he got tired of it.

33. Just swinging by to grab a pair of Google Glass. No big.

34. Heard tales of the mighty Panda, Giraffe, and Freak and sought to do battle.

35. Never meant to trample San Francisco. It just turns out that we built this city on rock and roll, and should have used concrete and steel if we wanted the buildings to stand up long term.

36. Like Palo Alto, this is all somehow yet another James Franco art project.

37.  Todd Vogt rebuffed his offer to buy the Weekly.

38. They were all out of sour cherries by the time he got to the Ferry Building Famers Market.

39. He wants the second season of Looking to start now, damnit.

40. Still couldn't get tickets for Beyonce and Jay-Z, even though they added a second show. 

41. Couldn't find a Mission hottie who wanted to spend quality time in the hook up truck with him.

42. His Twitter stock is way down since the IPO.

43. Tired of Ed Lee coddling Mecha-Godzillas with tax breaks and hand-shake deals on buses, while native Godzillas are losing their homes.

44. It's not destruction at all. He's ineptly trying to tidy up the city before Armistead Maupin comes back.

45.  Something something something burrowing owls.

46. Without looking, he stepped in a pile of poop on the sidewalk and one thing led to another.

47. Blame the heatwave.

48. The zoo wouldn't let him in, because they worried he'd freak out the red panda.

49. Felt like he had to play catch up after Cookie Monster visited town before him.

50. Inescapable sense of ennui after loss or potential loss of Flax, the Goodwill on Market, and Popeyes Chicken. Where's the cool grey city of love he feel in love with as a young mutant horror gone?

  

 

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