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Do You Have What It Takes to Be San Francisco's Chief Brunch Officer?
Theodore Gioia | Photo: Courtesy Aperol Brunch Society | April 29, 2014
A serious application for a serious job.
The Italian liquor Aperol is hiring a local to "brunch for a living" as their Chief Brunch Officer in San Francisco. That person will face the difficult task of taking friends out for free brunch at least twice a weekend and drinking Aperol spritz cocktails. This was the job we were born to do. So we've taken the liberty of preparing a fake resume for you to plagiarize at your pleasure.
RESUME OF INSERT YOUR NAME HERE
XXX Street, San Francisco, CA - email
- Bachelors Degree in Breakfast Theory, University of Oxford, May 2012.
- Master of Fine Arts in Champagne Studies, University of Phoenix Online, January 2013.
- Masters Degree in Brunch Philosophy, San Francisco State, January 2014. My senior Thesis was titled "Epistemology of The Plow: Facing the Choice between Pork Sausage, Bacon, and Chicken Apple Sausage".
Professional Brunch Experience:
San Francisco Magazine
Unofficial internet brunch poll expert, December 2013 - present
- I know more about brunch in the city than any sane man should. While other friends debate candidates for the state assembly, I consider the candidates for the city's best beignets. It's called having your priorities straight.
Mama's on Washington Square
Line waiter, January 2013 - foreseeable future
- I've become so good at waiting in line it's the closest thing I've found to what might be called a regular job
Eggs Bendict Critic, February 2013 - November 2013
- I'm probably not allowed to reveal this, but just between you and me I was the official eggs Benedict critic for Twitter writing weekly reports to give employees recommendations about where to brunch during the four hours they're allowed out of the building each week.
Brenda Buenviaje Yoga Association
President, May 2013 - December 2013
I organized weekly meditations on the meaning of Brenda's grits and achieving enlightenment through Brenda's cream biscuits.
Brunch Honors and Achievements:
Golden Mimosa for Excellence in Breakfast Journalism, March 2013
I won for my "ethically responsible pancake criticism" covering the dark political underbelly of the famous Dutch pancake at Outerlands. I courageously exposed that one of the ingredients was inorganic.
BS Brunch Guide Certification, January 2014
Authorizing me as an officially sanctioned guide for the city of San Francisco's precarious brunch landscape. The final test depends on distinguishing between members of the brunch tribes of Foreign Cinema and Zuni Cafe from their shoes.
City Champion in French Toast Blind Taste Test, 2012, 2013, 2014
I have such an accomplished palate, I can tell the difference between Nopa's custard French toast and Mission Beach Cafe's lavender-infused French toast just by the smell.
Skills and Summary of Qualifications:
- Experience in winning at life. There is no important qualification for any job. Life is a game. The winners go to brunch and the losers settle for breakfast.
- An exceptional standards of brunch fashion. There is no occasion requiring better dress than brunch. I carry a change of clothes at all times just in case I get a last-minute invitation. Other people have recurring dreams about showing up to school in their underwear, but I only have nightmares about being caught at brunch in a t-shirt and shorts.
- Dedicated Work Ethic. I understand that brunch is no laughing matter. Eating complimentary three-hour brunches is a serious job requiring all one's mental focus.