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'New York' Magazine Just Called Us Their "Future Overlords"

Works for us!

Photo by Nathanael Turner

As we so accurately predicted a few weeks ago,  New York magazine just published an in-depth look at San Francisco as the "new" New York. Frankly, we're impressed. Distance leads to accuracy, it appears. You should really go read the whole thing, but to whet your appetite, here are some of our favorite moments from the stories, foremost among them the map of SF that we assembled for our cross-country brethren. They called us their "future overlords," which, sounds about right to us. (Note: Some of the map coordinates, we realize, are wrong. NEMA isn't in North Beach, it's in Mid-Market. Shoulda used our fact-checkers, NYMag!)

But as for the title question: Is San Francisco the new New York? Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. We're the new Paris, Rome, and Tokyo all rolled into one. New York City? Never heard of it. 

We know how to throw a killer party: "The walls were covered in inspirational phrases (Follow your Heart, Holistic Mindfulness & Wellness), and the party was centered on a split-level pool and hot tub that took up the entire middle section of those. Five inflatable killer whales floated idly in the water. A bearded man was giving out back massages." 

We've decided that surviving is the new thriving: "San Francisco is the nation’s new success theater. It’s the city where dreamers go to prove themselves—the place where just being able to afford a normal life serves as an indicator of pluck and ability. San Francisco is too earnest, too eager to be liked, to truly wallow in its wealth like Bloomberg’s New York. (If Martin Scorcese had made The Wolf of Silicon Valley, it would have been two hours of Leonardo DiCaprio apologizing for spilling the Dom Perignon.)"

We're so sexy right now: "More recently, some girl came over to my place as part of a larger group. My place is nothing amazing, but I guess it gives you the impression that I have some amount of money. she knew I had a girlfriend, and she got kind of drunk and said, 'Come to this bar.' It progressed from there to sending pictures of herself. Eventually, naked pictures. and I was like, You know what? I really like these pictures. But I feel guilty because I have a girlfriend."

Our politics are split between left and lefter: "In other parts of the country, there are issues that serve as dividing lines: gun control, same-sex marriage. Not so in San Francisco. Here, progressives smugly perform consensus on the issues that are fiercely debated elsewhere and then gather once a year to march in a corporate-sponsored Pride Parade. In this context, how do you know where a person stands? I propose that one way might be this: What shading do they give to the word boom? Do they use it to evoke a colorful futurist dream, or do they use it to imply destruction?"

We have no fashion style: "Transplants will often arrive at Google in a “jacket, nice slacks, formal shoes,” Buckley says, only to undergo a swift transformation into short sleeves and Patagonias, “Patagucci,” as he and his friends call the pricy fleeces. Buckley reports that he has never seen a single cuff link at Google. He did, however, recently order a pair of Betabrand “Dress Pant Sweatpants.”"

We're in the middle of a Greek Invasion: "On a recent Saturday [in Fort Mason] there were dudes in Duke T-shirts and American-flag trucks playing Frisbee and cornhole. One drank Bacardi straight from the bottle. Women with high blonde ponytails cheered between glances at their iPhones."

We're losing that surfer vibe, brah: "The Outer Sunset used to be the town’s backwater, the foggy forgotten. Now you can buy a kale parmesan scone and a $3.50 coffee at Devil’s teeth baking Company or a limited-edition linocut of the brooklyn bridge at 3 Fish studios, just a few blocks away."

Our new poets aren't quite as good as the Beats: "Then he pulled out a poem that read in part: “The Internet is killing us/stay off-line unplug and wake up/Dot-coms: We are killing this city/Dot-coms: We are stealing their land/Let us donate our salaries, help real people not Skynet.” Hoots filled the bar and the drummer pounded. “Awesome, is that online?” one activist yelled."

San Francisco magazine is killing it: "A recent post on San Francisco magazine’s website reimagined American Psycho’s Patrick Bateman as a San Francisco tech worker: “I am creating value. I am a maker. My Klout score is well into the nineties. My network is resilient.""

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