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Not-so-helpful hints from the funny folks at the Believer

The Believer’s new book Care to Make Love in That Gross Little Space Between Cars? no doubt has Dear Abby’s Pauline Phillips rolling over in her grave. Inspired by Amy Sedaris’s crassly satirical Q&A column Sedaratives, the slim volume collects facetious words of not-much-wisdom of everyone from Zach Galifianakis to Weird Al Yankovic, with a stream-of-consciousness introduction by Judd Apatow. You’ll be entertained, you’ll be offended—and you’ll be in deep s*** if you follow any of their advice. Here, a few choice snippets.

 

To Anne Beatts, SNL comedy writer in the swingin’ ’70s:

Dear Anne:

I’m uninspired, flabby and alone. How can I jazz up my pathetic existence?

Contemplator of Bloated Navel

Ottumwa, IA

Dear Contemplator:

First, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Second, cut out all carbs. Third, get out of Ottumwa, Iowa.

Anne

 

To the Pleasure Syndicate, comedy-writing group and authors of Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk:

Dear Pleasure Syndicate:
What sort of superheroes do you think get laid the most? The flying or swimming kind?

Sasha

Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Sasha:
The flying kind. Perhaps you can tell me this: What sort of Sasha gets laid the most? The male or female kind?

Best Regards,

Pleasure Syndicate

 

To singer-actress Rose McGowan:

Dear Rose:

What’s the best wine to serve at a dinner party that says, “If you guys want to turn this into a key party, I wouldn’t be opposed”?

Josh

Manchester, NH 

Dearest Josh:

A nice bottle of Manischewitz mixed with Rohypnol usually does the trick.

Rose

 

To Brendon Small, creator of Home Movies and Metalocalypse:

Dear Brendon:

I need a little dental work done. Any suggestions?

Todd Day

Homosassa, FL

Dear Todd:

You will be blown away with what YouTube has to offer in the how-to videos. Just type in “molar extraction” and see what pops up. Nine times out of ten, it’ll be a college sketch troupe doing yet another commercial parody. But if you sift through the phonies you’ll find a watery-eyed lunatic, holding pliers, drunk on bathtub gin, spitting up blood. Watch that and do whatever the guy says.

Brendon

 

Care to Make Love in That Gross Little Space Between Cars?