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Top-Secret Memo Shows Why the 49ers Chose Levi's for Their New Stadium Name
Jeremy Dorn | Photo: via Wikimedia Commons | May 9, 2013
An anonymous source hacked into Niners owner and CEO Jed York’s computer. This is what he/she found.*
TO: Ownership Group, Marketing Dept.
FROM: Jed York, Owner and CEO
DATE: April 30th, 2013
SUBJECT: Stadium Naming
It has come to my attention that six companies have submitted serious bids for the naming rights to our new Santa Clara stadium. I’ve posted the shortlist below, complete with my argument “for” or “against” each contender. Please consider the following options for our next meeting:
1. Anchor Steam Stadium
We all love Anchor Steam. Hell, I'm drinking some right now. But let’s be honest: Our fans are drunk enough already. Do we really want to give them another excuse to make a mockery of this organization’s professionalism? Oh, and that reminds me: Please RSVP for the Cinco de Mayo kegger at Michael Crabtree’s house before Friday, or you will not be attending.
2. Zynga Center
Saying “Zynga” never gets old. (Zynga. Zynga. Zynga.). Plus, a partnership with this company would align us with a very cool, interactive, disruptive company with a severely undervalued stock price. But aren’t the Seattle Seahawks known as the “Angry Birds?” And don’t angry birds crap all over Farmville?
3. Pixar Paladium
The world’s awesomest animation studio has been cranking out top-of-the-line inked content for years, much like our own Colin Kaepernick. However, between their insistence on rebranding the team “The San Francisco Incredibles" and their refusal of Vernon Davis’s plea to join the Pixar art team, can we really take them seriously?
4. La Boulange Field
Do they play American football in France? Who cares! The concessions would be delicious. However, the last thing we need is fans throwing scones at opposing players. And also, how the hell do you pronounce Boulange?
5. Harvey Milk Memorial Stadium
Pandering to the gays? Guilty. But have you been to the Hi-Top bar in the Castro? Seriously, guys, it’s amazing. I ran into Chris Culliver there last weekend!
6. Levi’s Stadium
Sort of boring, I know. But Levi Strauss & Co. has been a respected San Francisco company for decades. And I’ve just been briefed that “49ers” actually refers to the men of the gold rush, one of whom was Levi Strauss himself! Why didn’t anyone tell me what our name meant before? Anyway, there is a con: That bastard Brett Favre is leaving Wrangler to sign on as a spokesman for Levi’s. Still: Free jeans for life, bros. Hard to say no to that.
So these are our choices. Thanks for the hard work on the deliberations thus far. All feedback on the six finalists is welcome, but remember to keep everything confidential and please STOP supporting Frank in his lobbying efforts for “The Gore-tress.”
Oh, and do NOT tell Coach Harbaugh about the kegger at Crabtree's. You all know how he can get.
Thank you for your cooperation.
*And, yes, all of the is totally fabricated. Coulda happened though, right?