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Write Your Own Tone Deaf Techie Screed Hating on San Francisco
Scott Lucas | Photo: Courtesy AngelHack | December 11, 2013
With this handy MadLib, you'll be the most loathed person in town in no time at all!
When AngelHack founder Greg Gopman took to Facebook to voice his not-quite-seasonally appropriate opinions about homelessness in SF, he unleashed a tidal wave of Internet scorn. Even though he's since apologized, Gopman now belongs in the upper echelon of tech boogie men. Between Sarah Lacy, Peter Shih, and now him, it seems like there's an obvious script to follow when trashing the non-"makers" of the Bay Area. Just as we did earlier, when the New York Times started talking smack, we got our hands on the secret template. And here it is:
Just got back to SF. I've _____ (traveled around the world/dropped out of Stanford/founded an Uber but for sushi delivery/rekindled the flame with Brit Morin) and I gotta say there is nothing more grotesque than _____ (walking down Market St in San Francisco/Google bus protestors/women trying to code/Kim and Kanye not inviting me to AT&T Park). Why the heart of our city has to be overrun by crazy, homeless, drug dealers, dropouts, and trash I have no clue. Each time I pass it my______ (love affair with/abusive relationship towards/unchecked exploitation of) SF dies a little.
The difference is in other ________ (cosmopolitan/alpha/Yolo/#winning/Pinochet-run) cities, the lower part of society ______ (keep to themselves/learn to code/are slaves/don't complain about tax breaks for us). They sell _______ (small trinkets/print magazines/hair gel to Gavin Newsom/their kidneys/their children), beg coyly, stay quiet, and generally ______ (stay out of your way/sell you coke and then leave/hand out towels in nightclub bathrooms/don't check Facebook's privacy settings). They realize it's a privilege to be in the _______ (civilized/disrupted/gamified/bottle service) part of town and view themselves as guests. And that's okay.
In downtown SF the degenerates gather like (hyenas/monkeys/cannibals/other obviously-racially-loaded metaphors), spit, urinate, taunt you, sell drugs, get rowdy, they act like they own _______ (the center of the city/the means of production/their own DNA). Like it's their place of leisure. In actuality it's the _______ (business district/Stanford quad/startup theme park/hacker space) for one of the wealthiest cities in the USA. It's a disgrace. I don't even feel safe ______ (walking down the sidewalk/sipping champagne at the Battery club/buying a $65 hamburger/ordering hookers via Uber) without planning out my walking path.
You can preach _______ (compassion/equality/Marxism/eugenics/the Singularity), and be the ________ (biggest lover/fastest coder/1337est haxxor) in the world, but there is an area of town for ______ (degenerates/old people/sick people/the 47%) and an area of town for the _______ (working class/bike messengers/Taskrabbits/Lyft drivers). There is nothing positive gained from having _______ (them so close to us/social welfare programs/the earned income tax credit/the 14th Amendment). It's a burden and a liability having them so close to us. Believe me, if they added the smallest iota of value I'd consider thinking different, but the _______ (crazy toothless lady/stirking BART worker/artist/students/non-profit staffers) who kicks everyone that gets too close to her cardboard box hasn't made ___ (anyone's/Peter Shih's/Sarah Lacy's/Larry Ellison's/my) life better in a while.