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Heil to California!: A UC Berkeley Course Catalog From an Alternate Alt-Right Universe

You thought Milo's Free Speech Week was a bust? Think again, students.


Note to students: Welcome to the Spring 2018 semester at the Andrew Breitbart Memorial Campus of the Patriotic American University of California, Berkeley (ABMCOTPAUOCB), formerly known as the University of California, Berkeley. As you know, following Great Patriot Milo Yiannopoulos’s totally successful and not-at-all embarrassing Free Speech Week in September, the MAGA Revolution has taken hold of this formerly cucked university. Our new chancellor, Steve Bannon, has made some changes to the previous course catalog. Please review carefully, as there are no more safe spaces for you #snowflakes to shed #liberaltears if you make a mistake. Get over it!


African American Studies 153C: Slaves Were Immigrants, Too
Instructor: Ben Carson
This survey course on the empirical, fact-based beliefs of HUD secretary Ben Carson replaces a previous course on the novels of Toni Morrison. Topics include why being gay is a choice, why Muslims shouldn’t be allowed to be president, and the real purpose of the pyramids in Egypt (storing grain).

Agricultural Studies 10: The Edible Plants and Animals of Montreal, Where I Now Live
Instructor: Michael Pollan
Fieldwork introducing students to the many wonderful things to eat above the 49th parallel. Have you had poutine ? It’s not quite the perfect Flavor King pluot from Chez Panisse, but we may as well learn to like it, since we’ll be here the next four to eight years.

Architecture 10: Building a Big Wall
Architecture 20: No. Bigger Than That. Tremendous.
Architecture 30: Big! Big! Big! So Big That I Forget for a Blissful Moment My Devastating Inadequacies as a Father, Husband, and Man

Art Therapy 100: This Is an Actual Thing That Mike Pence’s Wife Does
Instructor: Karen Pence
You don’t need health insurance—just watercolor the cancer away.

Bioengineering 97C: Hand Enlargement in Adult Males
Instructor: Dr. Harold Bornstein
Please note: Students must have previously completed Bioengineering 97A: Spray Tanning in Adult Males and Bioengineering 97B: Hair Transplants in Adult Males.

Chicano Studies 180: Transnational Indigenous Migration
Instructor: Ann Coulter
Spring-break work-study program in Central and South America for Dreamer students. Return visas not offered.

Comparative Literature 87C: 19th-Century Eastern European Literature
Instructor: Melania Trump
Beginning with the works of France Prešeren, with an emphasis on his account of the Christianization of the Carantanians in the eighth century, this course draws on post-structuralist accounts of power/knowledge in the formation of subjectivity and subjugation to (re)interrogate the positionality of the nation-state in the works of Krste Petkov Misirkov, Władysław Syrokomla, and Matija Čop.

Computer Science 194: Russian Twitter Bots
Instructor: Fancy Bear
материал курса будет охватывать фишинг, лиццаг и викилаки (Cross-listed with Mass Communications 40)

Gender and Sexuality 15: Theory and Practice of Man-Boy Love
Instructor: Milo Yiannopoulos
The development of pederasty in Plato’s Symposium, André Gide’s The Immoralist, and Michel Foucault’s History of Sexuality, Volume One. Admission restricted to students enrolled at local middle schools. Parental consent strongly discouraged.

Legal Studies 4: Introduction to American Jurisprudence
Instructor: Steve Bannon
Can we lock her up? Should we lock her up? Where can we lock her up? The most fundamental questions of American justice will be explored. Students will earn extra credit for locking her up.

Mass Communications 40: Twitter
Instructor: Tomi Lahren, #TCOT
An in-depth examination of how real Americans really use social media to express their real feelings about @realDonaldTrump. (Cross-listed with Computer Science 194).

Masculinity Studies 1: Practical Woodworking
Instructor: Kyle “Based Stickman” Chapman
Topics may include girth-to-length ratios, angular momentum, and grip mechanics. A lab fee will be required at the first class to cover the instructor’s legal defense.

Peace and Conflict Studies 100A: International Relations
Instructors: Stephen Miller and Sebastian Gorka
This course will be structured as a debate over whether or not we should bomb them all. Professor Miller will argue in favor, while Professor Gorka will argue in favor.

Physics 10: Cheating at Golf for Future Presidents
Instructor: Bernhard Langer
This course replaces Physics for Future Presidents with material more suitable to the current occupant of the White House.

Political Science 179: Middle East Peace, the Opioid Epidemic, Mexican and Chinese Diplomacy, Veterans’ Care, Criminal Justice Reform, Reinventing Government, Iraq, and Muslim Community Relations
Instructor: Jared Kushner
A brief appraisal of a few of the easy-to-solve tasks of the federal government. Student input greatly appreciated. Like, any ideas at all. Don’t be shy.

Public Policy 271: Keep Quiet, Students, I Think They Forgot About Us. If We Stay Together in This Basement—No! What Are You Doing? Don’t Turn On Those Lights! They’ll See Us!
Instructor: Robert Reich
Note: This course has been canceled.

Slavic 45: Finding Your Fourth Wife
Instructor: Donald J. Trump
A hands-on practicum. Travel required.

Women’s Studies 20: Introduction to Feminism
Instructor: Ivanka Trump
Required textbook: Women Who Work. Guest instructors may include Louise Linton, Hope Hicks, and Daddy.

Interdisciplinary Studies 1: Free Speech
Instructor: The Entire Faculty of the ABMCOTPAUOCB
There comes a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious that you can’t take part, and you’ve got to indicate to the people who run it that unless only you are free—not women, not brown people, not gays, not foreigners, not Mexicans, and certainly not Berkeley professors and students who just want to have normal classes without a berserk sideshow—the machine will be prevented from working at all.


Originally published in the November issue of San Francisco 

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