Now Playing



Ten More Myths About Square

Lies, all lies.

 

Struggling to respond to Amazon's introduction of a card reader that aims to undercut its market positions and amid rumors for months that it is seeking a buyout after indefinitely postponing its IPO, San Francisco-based micropayment company Square fought back today in the most powerful fashion available to a business: It wrote a blog post. Titled the Top 10 Myths About Square it argued that it was "totally bogus" to claim that Square's business was struggling or that its services were unreliable. Unfortunately, only clearing up the top ten myths left plenty of room for false information to thrive. So, here's another ten we think Square should have mentioned:

1. Amazon's new card-reader, which charges a percentage point lower per transaction than Square, represents a serious threat to the business.
False. Totally false. Anyway, Square's market share rest on the intangibles. A strong handshake. A friendly demeanor. Mints on the pillows. That kind of thing.

2. In the face of mounting losses and the indefinite delay of an IPO, Square is desperate to sell itself to a deep-pocketed buyer.
You're so crazy. We're not retreating. We're advance in a rear-ward fashion.

3. When Square recently bought food-delivery startup Caviar, it was because CEO Jack Dorsey thought he was ordering fish eggs for a company party.
Not in the slightest. Square's company parties feature only the finest vegan Fair Trade caviar substitutes.

4. Square is driving apart Jay-Z and Beyoncé to distract the press from its woes.
That's not true at all. But now that you mention it, wouldn't you rather talk about that than whether or not Square is going to collapse?

5. Square's readers have been rumored to carry horrific strains of the Black Death.
No, no, no. Maybe you're thinking of our competitor, PayPal? 

6. Square's software contains secret lines of code that form the Mark of the Beast prophesied in the Book of Revelations.
Nope. You're thinking of Visa. Definitely Visa. You should probably sell your stock in them right now.

7. Square once called my sister fat.
Google said that.

8. Square secretly notifies your significant other every time you cheat on your diet by buying that chocolate croissant at the coffee shop.
Also false. But the NSA is getting very concerned about your caloric intake.

9. Square CEO Jack Dorsey once told 60 Minutes that he would like to follow in the footsteps of Michael Bloomberg and someday become mayor of New York City.
Once again, you've been fed a diet of misinformation. Thanks to patented cryogenic technology and a Putin-esque deal with Medvedev stand-in Bill de Blasio, Michael Bloomberg will remain the eternal mayor of New York City.

10. It is possible to construct a square with the same area as a given circle using only a straight edge and a compass in a finite number of steps. No, my friend, not at all. Pi is a transcendental number. Also, have you confused our company with the geometric concept of a square?

 

Have feedback? Email us at letterssf@sanfranmag.com
Email Scott Lucas at slucas@modernluxury.com
Follow us on Twitter @sanfranmag
Follow Scott Lucas on Twitter @ScottLucas86